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JOKE: Value of a Woman
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.’s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!
He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered, “you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?”
“Yes”, he replied reluctantly.
She answered, “We’ll, today I didn’t do it!!”
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JOKE: Wife, Lost and Found
A man approached a very beautiful redhead in the large local supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife in here while shopping, can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” The woman looked puzzled.
“Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked. “Because every time I talk to a lovely woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife ALWAYS appears out of nowhere”
JOKE: 3rd Times not the charm (FORUM)
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VIDEO: Reporter gets OWNED by Elderly Car Salesman
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Internet Trend Has Teens Snorting Condoms
(VIDEO BELOW) In spite of the physical dangers of condom snorting, the phenomenon spans gender, national boundaries, race, and class: it is the great equalizer in terms of incomprehensible social media postings.
There is no real explanation for condom snorting, barring an existential cry for help from a generation plagued by economic woes and restrictive cultural norms. Maybe it’s a postmodern protest of the passage of myriad restrictions on sex education across the country? Or, like the Cinnamon Challenge and “planking” before it, these teens are seeking attention, living in a world where everything is posted on social media for the consumption of others. Either way, watch at your own risk while trying to maintain faith in humanity.
COMPILED FROM MULTIPLE SOURCES:
http://www.policymic.com/articles/36163/condom-snorting-youtube-watch-teen-snort-condom-up-his-nose
http://on.aol.com/video/latest-internet-trend-has-teens-snorting-condoms-517749360
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Cabrone Deron Brewer: The Happiest Mugshot EVER!!!
TULSA, Oklahoma -
A man was arrested after police found his red Volkswagen Bug hung up on some railroad tracks. Police say Cabrone Deron Brewer, 32, had been drinking and had an outstanding warrant for transporting an open container.
Funny Mugshot: Cabrone Deron Brewer.
A police officer found the Bug stuck on the tracks near 2500 South Union at about 11 p.m. Friday. The car had Texas plates, and the man behind the wheel had a New York driver’s license, the arrest report states.
Police say Brewer admitted he was driving the car, and officers learned he had an outstanding warrant out for his arrest.
“Brewer had the strong odor of alcoholic beverage about his breath and body, red watery eyes, slightly slurred speech and was unsteady on his feet,” the arrest report states.
After field sobriety tests, Brewer was arrested for actual physical control of a motor vehicle while under the influence and the outstanding warrant. A wrecker was called in to pull the Volkswagen off the tracks.
SOURCE: http://www.newson6.com/story/22165073/man-arrested-after-volkswagen-gets-stuck-on-tulsa-railroad-tracks
ADDITIONAL TAGS: Crime, Video, Cabrone Deron, Cabrone Deron Tulsa, Cabrone Deron Arrested, Cabrone Deron Mugshot, Cabrone Deron Mugshot Smile, Best Mugshots, Funny Mugshots, Mugshot Smile, Mugshots, Weird News
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WTF?: Texas HS planning million dollar Jumbotron
As reported by the Morning Valley Star, and brought to Prep Rally’s attention by MaxPreps, Weslaco ISD director of instructional television Steve Valdez has proposed building a 27-by-48-foot jumbotron, a construction development that would give Weslaco the largest prep sports scoreboard in the nation.
“They say that football in Texas is king, so we doubt that anybody else in the country would have anything larger,” Valdez told the Valley Star.
As it turns out, Valdez is right. The massive, 43-foot screens that have been installed by fellow Texas schools Katy (Texas) High and Carthage (Texas) High currently hold the record for largest prep scoreboard (Carthage’s is technically larger than Katy’s), but both would easily be eclipsed by the proposed 48-foot jumbotron put forth by Valdez.
The Weslaco School Board plans to vote on the enormous scoreboard at its next meeting, with a proposed funding plan set forth by Valdez paying off the new expanded scoreboard in 10 years. The additional funds to pay for the scoreboard and its subsequent installation would come from more available sponsorship space along the side of the new scoreboard.
Naturally, the additional funds Valdez’s plan relies on assumes both continued interest in the scoreboard advertising opportunities and a similar rate for those advertisements. Those within the Weslaco ISD told the Valley Star that there is a rolling waiting list of 2-3 advertisers to earn a spot on the scoreboard. Maintenance of current rate pricing is more of a leap of faith, though there would stand to be at least as good a chance of rate increases as decreases, potentially earning the district more money than the cost of construction over the next decade.
FULL STORY/SOURCE: http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/highschool-prep-rally/texas-school-planning-million-dollar-scoreboard-outlandish-attempt-102701461.html
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(WARNING) Cruel and Tasteless Jokes!!!!
No holds barred, raunchy cruel, racist/sexist jokes beyond this point. Equal opportunity offender.
Do not continue if you are easily offended…
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American, Frenchman and Italian siting in bar talking…
“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman brags, “and this morning she couldn’t stop telling me how much she adored me.”"Last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian replies,” and today she said she could never love another man.”The American remains silent, and the Frenchman smugly asks, “How many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” says the American. “Only once?” the Italian snorts arrogantly. “And what did she say to you this morning?” “Don’t stop.”
Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?
’cause she was a WOMAN!
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: One stops sucking when you slap it.
Q: What do you call a Puerto Rican midget?
A: A spec.
Q: How do you starve a black man?
A: Hide his foodstamps under his workboots.
Q: What do you get when cross an Polack with a gorilla?
A: A retarded gorilla.
Racist Camera?
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
“Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before.”
The doctor reassured her. “A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”
“On my balls.”
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style…it makes your nose look too long.”
A blonde goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.
He says, “You have acute vaginitis.”
She says, “Thank you.”
Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said, “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”
The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen one back since!”
Q. How do you know if a Chinese person robs your house?
A. Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.
Q: What’s the difference between a large black man and a large pizza?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: Why did the redneck cross the road?
A: Because he coundn’t get his dick out of the chicken.
A woman who is uncomfortable watching a guy masturbate…
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
b) Is uptight and a waste of time.
c) Shouldn’t have sat next to me on the bus in the first place.
Q: What’s the useless skin around a vagina called?
A: The woman.
Apparently clumsy people are more likely to be obese.
That’s because they keep walking into things,
Like fucking McDonald’s.
Walked in the bedroom naked and my wife asks me, “What is that white powder all over your dick?” I replied, “It’s crushed up aspirin for your headache, how would you like it administered? Orally or rectally?”
Q: Why doesn’t Mexico enter the Olympics?
A: Because all their best runners, jumpers and swimmers are in America.
How do you fit four gay guys on one bar stool?
Turn it over.
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, “Mummy, what are they doing?” The mother hesitates then quickly replies, “Ummm they are making cakes.”
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, “Making cakes.”
The next day the girl says to her mother, “Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?” Shocked, the mother asks, “How do you know?”
She says, “Because I licked the icing off the sofa.”
Q: Why do Jews have big noses?
A: Because air is free.
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?” “Sand,” answered Juan. The guard says, “We’ll just see about that get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. “Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?” Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
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Added 5/15/2013
What is the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus? You can hang the picture with just one nail.
What do nine out of 10 people enjoy? Gang rape.
A child and a serial killer child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, “Boy, these woods are scary.” The pedophile says to the child, “You think you’re scared? I have to walk out of here alone.”
Amber goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He’s tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Amber can’t help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn’t afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, “How was that?” He nods and says, “Not too fuckin’ bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!”
A man recently had his arm amputated and decided to kill himself by jumping off a building. When he was ready to jump, he saw a man with both arms amputated dancing around. He decided to find out why he was so happy. The man told him, “I’m not dancing. My ass is itching and I can’t scratch it!”
Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?
A: A piece of ass that’ll bring a tear to your eye.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: Why are all aspirin white?
A: Because they work!
Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Not many, just Juan.
How did the medical community come up with the term “PMS”? “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
What did the woman do when a tree fell on her? No the real question is why there is a tree in the kitchen?
Why did the women cross the road? I don’t know, but what in the hell is she doing out of the kitchen?
A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman enters. The man can’t stop staring at her. The young woman notices this and walks directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman says to him, “I’ll do anything you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with one condition.” Flabbergasted, the man asks what the condition is. The young woman replies, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket, and hands the woman five $20 bills. He looks deeply into her eyes and slowly says, “Paint my house.”
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
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